… but I honestly had to vent somewhere.
I recently graduated from college, got my nursing license, and moved back home. Pretty much since the day I got back (minus a few for jet-lag and breaking my foot) I‘ve been applying for just about every nursing job in any of 3 cities. I’ve been calling nurse recruiters, sending emails to people I know, trying my best to network and make connections, but so far no luck. The economy is tough for everyone, even people in high-demand jobs. Out of my entire graduating class, 3/4 of us still haven’t found jobs.
For the last two days, instead of spending most of my time working on job applications, I’ve spent the afternoons babysitting my best friend’s little sister. I figured that I was going to go criminally insane if I kept doing application after application, and this way I could earn a little money (with the added bonus of getting out of the house and talking to someone other than my parents because it had been DAYS since I’d seen anyone other than them, dear lord save me from my family).
Apparently this was the final straw for my mother because when she came home from work today and I talked about what I’d done while babysitting, she became incredibly grumpy and made dinner a miserable, tense experience (which, seriously? we were eating the first sweet corn of the garden and she was pissed off? Who can be pissed off when there’s sweet corn???!!?!)
While I’m busy worrying that she’s found out some news about her health or that someone’s died, turns out that she was mad because apparently I’m not doing enough to find a job, not being aggressive enough and that just pissed her off. I only learned this later in the night when my dad came to tell me, she couldn’t be bothered to have an adult conversation with me.
This makes me so frustrated because I have been working my ass off to find a job ever since I came home. It’s also been less than a month since I got my nursing license, so it’s not like I’ve been failing at life for that long. But my mother has actually no idea what it’s like. For the last 16+ years, the only jobs my mother has had to apply for are ones that she already knew she was going to get. She’s filled out applications and had interviews, but she went into those interviews knowing that they wanted her for the position.
Thankfully, my father understands what I’m up against. He’s self-employed and, for the last 6 years, has filled out on average 5 job applications a week, none of which he’s been offered. He knows that, while it does take persistence and some aggression, there is a fine line between being persistent enough to get a job and so annoying that they throw out your application. He understands the need to do things other than job applications once in a while. He also understands the desire not to talk about it constantly. Getting asked every single night about what exactly I’ve done to find a job is extraordinarily depressing when the answer is that no one wants me.
(Add into the mix that, in addition to a broken foot, I’ve also been recovering from bronchitis and being allergic to the entire freaking town and am so hoarse that I physically cannot talk on the telephone)
I know that my mother does these things partly out of love and partly out of the self-inflicted belief that she can quit her job (where she’s miserable and working 80 hours a week) once I get one. But knowing her reasoning doesn’t make it any easier when she’s icing me out and making life unpleasant for the entire family. I wish she understood what it’s like, but she doesn’t, and it’s driving me crazy.
Arrgh. I’m not even so mad as I am disappointed (in both myself and her) and frustrated. I wish I could be mad because maybe then I wouldn’t feel so ridiculously guilty. Trust me, if I knew why I wasn’t being hired, I would change it. It’s not like I enjoy being a failure. But my mother fails to see just how hard it is. The woman is driving me mad. Seriously.
So. Whining done, apologies to anyone who actually read my rant for the self-pity and wrath that it is rife with.